Single on Valentines Day
Being Single on Valentine's Day can bring about feelings of sadness or lack, we might feel like we’re missing out or feel the pressure to find a relationship soon.
Even if you’re genuinely happy with your life overall, a strange unease can creep upon us on or around Valentine’s day. It’s like the gremlins of single-shaming come back to haunt us at the first sign of red hearts in shop windows. Longing for a relationship can be exacerbated on St Val’s day as it prioritises and celebrates romantic couples. For us, singles, the inner sense of belonging might even be replaced by a feeling of being excluded from the feast of life.
Then there is unintentional judgement from others, like aunties and busy bodies who “just want to help”, by – for example – setting us up with Barry, their neighbour, whose main interest turns out to be fishing. Dozen pictures of seabass later, and it’s starting to dawn on you that being single is actually an incredible way to spend your life…
It’s ok to feel whatever feelings you’re experiencing and more. You are absolutely free to sulk, desire, feel numb, be angry or frustrated, shrug it off, or have any other combination of emotions. Because – through no fault of your own – we live in a society that makes us feel that not being in a relationship is a problem we need to resolve,
rather than a perfectly normal natural state to be in. Dating sites are one of the many sources of pressure on singles nowadays, as they make it look like finding a decent relationship should be as easy as picking up a box of cereal from a supermarket shelf.
Once we’ve gone on enough dates to realise that nothing could be further from the truth - our problem-solving minds can feel out of control about not being able to resolve this puzzle. That’s when one’s feelings of helplessness and frustration about the situation can be joined by guilt and even shame.
I know the usual reaction for most of us is to run as far as we can — away from those uncomfortable feelings. What I am suggesting is to do is the opposite.
So when the ache of wanting to be with someone gets too much (and having a candle-lit bubble bath doesn’t relieve it) – I suggest gently questioning the underlying belief that makes you feel unease. It’s often in that pain that we find the golden key that opens the next stage of our development.
EXERCISE - Getting to Know Your Inner Voice
Take a moment to close your eyes,
Take a deep breath in and breathe it all out… making the exhale as long as possible.
Simply BE there with this discomfort… and allow yourself to feel it. Reminding yourself that you’re safe at all times, and it’s simply your Inner Mind making a bid for connection - wanting to be seen, heard and understood.
ASK YOURSELF:
What is that inner voice trying to tell you?
Give it time to say what it needs to say, really take it in without interrupting. Whatever your inner voice says – we want to thank it. And only when it’s done talking – you can open your eyes.
It often helps to write down the messages (by hand), as, in the process of writing them down, new insights are often revealed.
The idea is to be as clear as possible about the main message your subconscious has for you. The reason for that being that when we’re clear about the negative beliefs we have – we can then reframe them into a positive or at least neutral ones, which is how the suffering is alleviated.
Negative Unconscious Beliefs
We’re going to address some of the common misconceptions about being Single on Valentines day. This should also give you some ideas on how to “therapise yourself” out of the hurtful thinking and into balance.
Here are some negative thoughts your inner voice might have thrown up:
Being single means there’s something wrong with me.
What if I never find anyone?
The only way to stop feeling lonely is to be in a couple.
I cannot be happy until I’m in a relationship
“I’m not enough/I am incomplete unless I’m in a relationship.”
We, as singles, have been conditioned to believe that the more we beat ourselves up emotionally – the sooner we’ll end up in a relationship.
Yet, that’s not how it works at all, and instead of resolving the issue, we end up causing ourselves unnecessary emotional pain.
Sometimes, understanding that it’s simply a repetitive inner programme running on autopilot – can help us distance ourselves from the negative narrative.
Often we need to dig deeper to unlearn the toxicity we’ve absorbed from the world around us.
Think of me as your Fairy Godmother – waving the magic wand over each negative belief to dissolve them one by one.
Unhelpful Belief No 1: “Being single means there’s something wrong with me”
Valentine’s Day is saturated with images of couples, gifts, dates. Everywhere you look, society screams: “Love is validation. Pairing up is proof you’re worthy.” Naturally, if you’re single, it can feel like the world is judging you.
Reality check:
Look at the single people around you. Are you judging them for being single?
If the answer is yes - there’s your culprit. Stop judging others to not feel judged yourself. See others as valuable – regardless of their relationship status. Understanding that people are equal in their worth, whether they are coupled or not, should automatically make you feel as worthy as other singles.
If the answer is no, of course I don’t judge other singles – see yourself through those nonjudgemental eyes. Remind yourself that being single is a circumstance. All it means is that the right match simply hasn’t appeared at the right time in the right place for you yet – that’s all!
However ‘imperfect’ you are – there are people much more ‘imperfect’ than you in long-lasting relationships, and people less ‘imperfect’ who have never been paired up.
Romantic relationships are not a prize we get for being the right kind of person. It’s simply luck.
You wouldn’t blame yourself for throwing a coin heads up all three times when you wanted tails, because it would be unreasonable to blame yourself for it, since you had no way to control the outcome of the coin throw… This is exactly the same situation.
Unhelpful Belief No 2: “What if I never find anyone?”
Valentine’s Day can be a painful reminder of that age-old assumption that everyone should be paired up one day and live ‘happily ever after’. There weren’t any fairytales when I was growing up that told the story of a single person living a rich and fulfilling life, full of exciting adventures and self-actualisation. I am still not aware of many such stories being told even now.
My Personal Experience
I used to see couples everywhere on Valentine’s Day and feel the despair seeping in. Seeing women with wedding rings was like a dagger to the heart. I had told myself the story that the only way to feel happy and loved was to find someone else who would make me feel that way.
Whilst I was desperately seeking someone else who might have potentially made me feel a little bit better about myself in the future – I was neglecting the one person who could have made me feel great in the present moment - ME!
A part of self-love therapy is asking yourself better questions, that turn your attention away from thoughts that hurt you and towards thoughts that make you feel good.
So instead of “What if I never find anyone?”
– we could ask
“What if I have a beautiful happy life regardless of whether I’m in a relationship or not?”
“What if the only person I needed to find has been here all along?”
“What happens if I redirect my energy from seeking a potential future out there, to nurturing the person I am right here?”
That last question is particularly grounding, as it brings you back into the present moment, back to the person who’s been craving for and missing your love – yourself. Self-compassion and the ability to satisfy your own needs are essential skills for enjoying your life and thriving in this world. If that’s something you struggle with cultivating yourself - drop me a line.
Unhelpful Belief No 3 : The only way to stop feeling lonely is to be in a couple
Loneliness can feel like a curse: that feeling that something really important is missing in our lives, and that there’s only one thing that can fix it - a romantic partner.
Loneliness is not exactly a pleasant experience, so in most cases we tend to run away from it and do everything possible to avoid feeling it, even if for a minute…
In my role of a hypnotherapist (and my personal life) I have met plenty of people who are lonely IN their relationships, even when on the surface their relationships look perfectly happy.
That’s because loneliness can be prevented by the quality of the relationships in your life, not the mere presence of them.
I.e. it’s still possible to feel lonely when you’re in a long-term stable relationship, if it doesn’t satisfy your need for connection. And it is absolutely possible to feel belonging and connection as a single childfree person with just one or two friends.
The longing to be with someone is exactly what makes us feel that lack, that can make us spin in circles - going to from loneliness to craving and from craving back to loneliness.
The best way to break that loop and even use that momentum to make yourself feel significantly better is self-love. Self-love is an almost guaranteed way to quench that thirst for a deep meaningful connection – because it heals our most important relationship in life, the one that ALL other relationships stem from.
This is how someone can feel lonely even when happily coupled – because they don’t love themselves. So no matter how much love their partner gives them is never enough, because the love of others cannot and does not replace the love for oneself.
And this is exactly how a single childfree person with only a couple of friends can feel perfectly connected, belonging and at ease in the world. If their connection to themselves is strong, it provides the unshakeable core around which the rest of their life revolves – which is what many singles might be looking for in their relationship with another.
If you’d like to work on this powerful inner resource, but don’t know where to start – here’s a handy 21 days guide on cultivating self-love . Simply follow the instructions and let me know how you got on 21 days later!
Unhelpful Belief No 4: I cannot be happy until I’m in a relationship
Bella DePaulo talks about this in her incredible Ted talk called “What no one ever told you about people who are single”. I would strongly recommend you check it out - in just 18 minutes she dispels so many of the myths around relationships and marriage.
Bella shows a graph measuring the levels of happiness university students thought they would have if they remained single (around 3 out of 10) vs their perceived levels of happiness after they got married (between 8 & 9).
She then contrasts it with the reality of single people marking themselves between 7 and 8 BEFORE they’re married,
with a slight increase in happiness around the wedding day. Their happiness levels then go back to exactly the levels prior to marriage…
And this is for those who remained married only.
Those singles who were to later get divorced, were already slipping down the happiness scale even before the wedding day and their happiness levels continue to deteriorate until the time of their divorce. After which their happiness levels improve!
So the conclusion is that it’s not the marriage/relationship itself that makes one happy or not. It’s just that singles who were happy before they were coupled, are likely to stay married. Whilst singles who were less happy and then got married in the hope of improving their happiness levels, were disappointed.
There are plenty of things you can do to improve your happiness levels, so that you don’t have to rely on a future potential relationship to improve things for you. Because – as Bella’s work shows – the improvement in your happiness due to marriage or a new relationship is often temporary and, more importantly, out of your control. Whilst the happiness you create for yourself is reliable, stable and fully within your grasp regardless of external circumstances.
Here’re some things you can start with:
Unhelpful Belief No 5: “I’m not enough/I am incomplete unless I’m in a relationship.”
So many Disney princesses living in our subconscious – helpless and needing to be chosen, spending their whole life waiting for someone else to notice them, to want them. So many fairytale princes getting the girl at the end of the story as a reward for being a hero… It’s easy to give into the conditioning that wants us to believe that the only way for us to prove our worth and be complete is to be coupled up with someone else.
Sometimes the weight of previous rejections, we carry around with us in the subconscious, becomes too unbearable.
This is when any trigger – like Valentines Day – can bring about unwanted feelings we thought we had buried a long time ago.
Whilst we’re waiting for someone else to show us that we’re enough - we’re hacking away at our connection to ourselves - sawing at the branch we’re sitting on. That’s because by putting romantic relationships on a pedestal, we’re at the same time devaluing ourselves in our current state of singlehood. So the feelings of inadequacy or lack of completion are not stemming from the single status itself, but from how we’re interpreting it.
In RTT therapy we go deep into your subconscious to discover the roots of this belief, namely: who, when and why made you feel not enough
unless you’re partnered. This process brings up a lot of insights, as you release others’ beliefs you absorbed unconsciously, automatically adopting them as your own.
You might uncover the moment you absorbed the toxicity — maybe from childhood, family dynamics, or cultural messages — and gently release the idea that singlehood equals inadequacy. Instead, you remember your natural wholeness and reclaim it as your default state.
Once that’s clear - we can then powerfully GROW a healthy stable reliable relationship with yourself that FILLS THE VOID you’ve been feeling.
Because you see — it’s not the lack of the external romantic relationship that makes us feel incomplete…
It’s the lack of the nurturing, nourishing, soothing and reliable, compassionate relationship with ourselves. That is the real kiss the toad moment – where all that scary, ugly or uncomfortable in us transmutes into wholeness, beauty and compassion.
If your inner discomfort around Valentine’s day is telling you something else - something I’ve not covered here ☝️
Please write to me to let me know - I’d love to resolve it for you!
